You know the score by now. You need a Dream. A dream life that you can visualize so clearly that it feels real. You need to know exactly what it is you want, and if you don’t you’ll remain stuck in your life. Your life, which by the way, just isn’t good enough for you.
That’s the message I am seeing far too much of at the moment. I’m fed up with it. Sheer arrogance from the delusional preachers aside, it hurts me to see people putting so much pressure on their all-consuming dreams and aspirations. Because I think the dream life that people are working so hard for is a bit of a scam— it can’t exist for long, if at all.
Here’s why:
Dreams don’t stay dreams for long.
The last 2 years should have provided us with enough evidence that no one can predict the future. We— the deluded apes in denial— still like to think we know what the future version of ourselves would want. But we shouldn’t be so certain. People of all ages fall prey to the End of History Illusion— ‘a psychological illusion that convinces us we’ve ‘experienced significant personal growth and changes in tastes up to the present moment, but will not substantially grow or mature in the future.’
If you don’t believe me: cast your mind back 10 years. You’ve changed a lot in the last 10 years, right? Now, try to imagine 10 years into the future: Do you think you’ll hold the same values and goals, and be more or less the same person as you are now? If you do, It gives me great pleasure to let you knoe that you’re wrong.
You’ll end up wishing you hadn’t worked so hard.
The problem with big, overarching goals that will lead you to your dream life— the ones social media will tell you to relentlessly pursue— is that they force you to make unnecessary sacrifices in the present for the dreamland of tomorrow. Goals are becoming a new religion, with success as heaven.
If I find myself getting sucked into this narrative of ‘determination = success’, which is easy enough to do, I remind myself of the book I reviewed last year: The Top Five Regrets of The Dying, which I wouldn’t recommend reading; it could have been an email. The author, who worked in palliative care, writes that regret numbers 2 and 4 of the top 5 are; I wish I hadn’t worked so hard, and I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends. Which is self-explanatory.
So we have to remember two things.
One: People who tell you to blindly follow your dreams and cut out your friends in the process are doing so to feed their bias and convince themselves they’re doing the right thing.
Two: we’re all already dying; you can save Future You from regret right now. Just dial it back a bit, do some wholesome non-work stuff, and maybe call a friend.
Our dreams are damagingly unattainable.
It’s understandable that you want to achieve great things. Achievement brings us status. And according to Will Storr in his book The Status Game, status is one of our main drivers. So why not prove to the world that we are capable and worthy of recognition? After all, most of us think we’re above average, and achieving our dreams will only help validate that claim.
The above-average effect is another psychological phenomenon that says a disproportionate number of people think they’re above average across a range of qualities and abilities. This illusory superiority is more prevalent in the West, it seems we just can’t stand to be branded as average. It’s the kind of culture that drives innovation and economic growth but leaves individuals internalizing failures.
Professor Rory O'Connor in his book When It Is Darkest —which looks at why people die by suicide— said that a sense of failure is expressed in the majority of suicide notes. So, would it not make more sense for us to make an honest assessment of our abilities, and set goals based on the assumption that we might actually be average, and that that’s ok?
Our pursuit of achievement blinds us.
I joined the Marines at 18. I wanted nothing more than to be in what I thought was the coolest Boys Club out there: The Royal Marine Commandos. The only problem was my body didn’t fancy it. It took me 18 months to complete 23 weeks of training, and in that time I had: 1 X stress fractured tibia (what happens when you keep going with shin splints for 10 weeks), 1 X torn achilles, 2 X damaged ankle ligaments, and to finish me off, 1 X calcific patella tendinopathy (what happens when a patella tendon thinks decides wants to be a bone).
There were early warning signs for all of those injuries. And if I had my time again, I’d have listened to my body and left the Marines a lot sooner. But the goal kept me going, to my detriment. My body obviously didn’t fancy it, but also my mental health was deteriorating fast, all because the dream of the end goal kept me pushing on.
If my annecdote isn’t enough, Oliver Burkeman speaks of the perils of holding your goals too tightly, but with greater consequences in his book The Antidote (I highly reccomend reading this). The goal in question was summiting Everest. When you climb Everest you have to adhere to strict ‘turnaround times’, meaning if you haven’t reached a particular point by a particular time you have to turn around. If you ignore them, Everest makes you pay.
In 1996 a group of climbers had the peak of the world’s highest mountain in their sights. They were just 700ft from achieving their goal. With the dream in sight, they decided it was more important to realise that dream than to adhere to the advised turnaround time. Subsequently, a total of 8 climbers died. Over 50% of that year’s total deaths. The blind commitment of the dreamers cost them their lives.
Relentlessly pursuing your dream probably won’t cost you your actual life. But it isn’t hard to imagine it costing you your mental health or relationships.
Let’s be clear, this isn’t a call to give up.
You don’t need to be so black and white, so all or nothing. You can pursue your goals with, as Albert Camus would say, a tender indifference that allows you to be a little more flexible and change course when necessary. Whilst knowing full well that at some point it will be necessary to switch course. And that when you change your mind on a dream: you are not a failure.
We have to get used to the idea that we will change over time and so will our aspirations. The catalyst for that change may well be a failure, heartbreak, or loss. But you’ll know that change comes after some of the more positive reasons, too; something you’ve learned, someone you’ve met, or some new form of responsibility you’ve taken on (kids, relationships, new job, etc)
Whatever the reasons for the change of direction, we have to remember this:
Wishing that things were different is the cause of a large portion of our suffering. The sooner we rid ourselves of that wish, the sooner we can assume that we are already living the dream life.
I’ll leave you with a poem that summarises this email in just 15 words. By Rainer Maria Rilke, a German poet, and author who became famous in the late 1800s. I came across this particular verse at the end of the film JoJo Rabbit, so please don’t confuse me with some kind of ultra-sophisticated Germanophile— I’m not at that point just yet.
Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final.
Love you, Bye.
Ed x
Jheezzzz these bangers just get better and better!!! <3
Thanks Stuart!